


fuck marry kill

by TittyAlways



Category: D.Gray-man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 19:18:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12372321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TittyAlways/pseuds/TittyAlways
Summary: "Hands up," Link sighed wearily, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "Who here even knows what department they work in?"No hands went up, and everyone in the room looked varying degrees of bored. From the 'I could be wanking under my desk right now' end of the spectrum all the way through to 'another second of this and I'm going to kill all of you, and then myself'."I'm the temp," Timothy announced, smiling like this was somehow the best day of his fucking life.





	fuck marry kill

**Author's Note:**

> oh my god i wrote this ages ago on tumblr and i still love it its 2am and im crying in the club

“Fuck,” Lavi clicked to the next page, “fuck. Fuck. Mmmmmmm kill?  _Marry.”_

“Aw,” Allen crooned and pressed his hand to his heart when Lavi clicked past his picture.

“…Ki…ll.”

“You’d kill Road?” Allen squinted at the page. Like, okay he wasn’t a fan but. It was a good picture.

“I mean,” Lavi countered awkwardly, “the other options are to fuck her or marry her.”

Allen opened his mouth as though to counter that, realised he had nothing to say and allowed Lavi’s decision to pass with a shrug. “Fair enough,” he admitted and choked when Kanda’s face came up next.

“Fuck,” Lavi selected and Allen’s hand shot out to stop him before he could click and settle on that decision for ever ever. He pinned Lavi with a pleading, horrified look and Lavi could only give him a pained smile. “He’s  _really fucking hot,”_ he reasoned, sounding as torn as Allen felt. “And I refuse to marry him,” he added like an afterthought. Allen closed his eyes in a long-suffering groan but released Lavi’s hand, letting him move on. “Kill,” he said on Sheril, “…fu…kill? Why isn’t there a… forget-our-differences-and-hug option?” he asked, torn on Adam.

Allen squinted at him. “You’re actually considering fucking Adam,” he stated, and it wasn’t even a question.

“Hey,” Lavi defended, “at least I don’t have a thing for Fuckhands McMikk.” Allen desperately wanted to argue the point, realised he didn’t have any points to argue and sighed bitterly while Lavi exclaimed, “ _Oh!_ I could marry him! I feel like he’d treat me right,” he hummed happily and moved on to the next and eagerly selected, “Marry,” as soon as Lenalee’s picture popped up.

“Really?” Allen remarked, genuinely surprised. “Like, with Komui and everything?”

“Again,” Lavi sighed, “you’re forgetting how limited my options are. But even regardless of fuck or kill,” he continued, clicking through a few others while he spoke, “why  _wouldn’t_ you want to marry Lena? Gayness and all.”

“Gayness and all, she’s still my dream wife,” Allen admitted and leaned his hip against the desk, arms crossed against his chest while he watched the computer screen with amused intrigue.

“Duh,” Lavi remarked, “she’s  _everyone’s_ dream wife.  _Ew_ , kill.”

“That’s a bit harsh,” Allen disagreed, eyes narrowing at the picture of… god, did Link have a  _bowl cut_ there? “I think it’s just a bad picture.”

“Oh, yeah,” Lavi admitted easily, “but. That being said.  _Look_ at it.”

After another few seconds of staring, and the photograph not magically turning into one of  _actual_ Link - who was, in Allen’s esteem, one of the most fuckable people in their department - he allowed, “Okay, that’s. Yeah, kill.”

 _“What,”_ came a cold voice from behind them, “are you doing?”

“Oh god,” Lavi whipped around, holding his hands up like Link was threatening him with a firearm, “I already entered it, I’m sorry.”

“What are you talking about?” he scowled and pushed Lavi aside on his swivel chair to look at the computer screen. “What are you doing on company time?” he demanded, looking at the picture of Komui and the three options arranged below him.

“I think Johnny made it?” Allen shrugged and planted his hands on the edge of Lavi’s desk to lift himself up. “Fuck, marry, kill for the whole office.”

Link straightened, expression severe, and stated, “Thank you for your honesty, Walker. Now shut it down.”

Lavi heaved a desperate groan and made as though to beg and plead and simper for some leisure but Allen kicked him in the shin before he could, smiled disarmingly at Link and explained, “But! If you make it to the end you get to see everyone else’s answers!”

Link’s scowl deepened into a confused frown and he asked, “Why does that make any-”

“And, you know,” Allen spoke over him, digging dirt from under his neat nails, “the whole office got emailed a copy. So chances are-”

“I’ll have to go through and shut it down  _personally-”_

“-that Kanda’s already done his.”

“-because this is an abhorrent waste of. Kanda?”

Allen smirked at his nails and lifted his eyes to grin at Link’s forcefully neutral countenance. “Kanda,” he repeated simply. “If you get through it you’ll be able to see his answers.”

“And,” Lavi tuned in with a sly grin, reeling Link in like a fish on a line, “see if he wants to fuck Alma.”

Stiffly, Link tried to insist, “I don’t see how it’s any of my - or your - I don’t see how it’s any of  _our_ business,” but was cut off by Allen snorting a derisive laugh.

“I mean,” he reasoned, leaning back on the desk with his hands behind his head, “he kinda made it our business when he did the quiz,” and smirked at the panelled ceiling when he heard Link’s hesitation.

At length he pressed, “So he did do the quiz?” and Allen closed his eyes to savour the sweet taste of victory.

“Guess you’ll have to play and find out,” Lavi responded simply and Allen shot him a quick smug glance when Link let out a reluctant sigh.

“Okay,” he allowed stiffly, “but. Not a word of this is to be spread.”

“Not a word,” Allen promised through his smirk. “And tell me your answers, I’m actually genuinely interested.”

Link huffed a bitter sound but Allen grinned at the sound of him pulling up a chair and opening his own copy of the game. There was a beat of silence, then a long sigh topped with Lavi’s stifled giggles. “Kill,” he said grimly to what Allen knew was Tokusa’s catlike smirk, and so the game began.

* * *

Ten minutes in and Link was more deeply involved in the game than Allen had ever dreamed, going on full tangents to try explain why he couldn’t fuck or marry any of his coworkers, and therefore the only option was to kill them. He had some very detailed excuses. They sounded very fake.

“You can’t tell me,” Allen drawled, chin on his hand while he lay across Lavi’s desk, “to my face, and to that photo in front of you,” he nodded vaguely to the screen Link was angsting over, “that you’d rather kill me than fuck me.” Link seemed to be asphyxiating on something. His own shame, perhaps. Or Allen’s shamelessness. It was hard to tell.

“I  _can,”_  he insisted weakly amidst Lavi’s stifled laughter, “and I  _am.”_  And still hesitated to select kill.

“Unless,” Allen continued, musing as though he hadn’t heard Link’s embarrassing attempt at refuting it, “what you’re  _actually_ stuck on is the fact you want to marry me, but don’t want me to find out like this.”

Face going red from his allergic reaction to teasing, Link stated staunchly, “I think you have quite an opinion of yourself, Walker.”

Lavi snorted a laugh and commented, “Yeah, he has quite an opinion of the fact he’s banged half the office.”

“What?” Link demanded, attention snapping to that and Allen rolled his eyes.

“Well,” Lavi amended, “half the male cohort.”

“And some of the female,” Allen added realistically.

Lavi arched his brows and asked, “What, really?” and Allen shrugged noncommittally. “When?” he pressed, _“Who?”_

 _“Lavi,”_  Allen tutted with a smirk, “would I ever kiss and tell?”

“No, I just genuinely thought you were full homo,” Lavi reasoned.

“I mean, I am,” Allen admitted with an ambivalent head tilt, “with exceptions, I guess.”

They glanced over to find Link watching their conversation awkwardly. Stiffly, he said, “As head of HR I’m obliged to ask-”

“Nothing,” Allen finished for him with an eye roll. “You don’t have to ask  _anything_. You never heard it. Just like you’d never in a million years kill me before fucking and/or marrying me. Not necessarily in that order.”

For that, Link found it in himself to select kill without another second’s hesitation.

* * *

“So where do I see Kanda’s answers?” Link demanded another ten minutes later, thoroughly done with the game when he’d had to endure Lavi’s laughter when he grudgingly selected fuck for Kanda, his cute workplace crush, and Allen’s hysterics when he selected marry for Levellier, the head of their department.

“Is his name there?” Lavi asked, for some reason actually invested in seeing how this all played out. Like he actually  _wanted_ to see Kanda’s answers, after spending twenty minutes listening to Link explain why, exactly, he wanted to kill them all.

“You seriously,” Allen sighed to the ceiling, continuing the conversation Link had valiantly tried to ignore and then derail and then actually put a stop to, only for Allen to silence him with an unimpressed look each time, “don’t think,” he tapped his foot slow and lax where it rested crossed against his knee so the shoe he’d toed off swung gently, “that’s hot?”

“I seriously think you’re scary,” Lavi responded without missing a beat, eyes on whatever Link was doing at the computer while Allen continued staring at the ceiling.

“No,” he retorted, “nonono, like. Imagine. A big, strong guy pulls you out of a house fire and lays you out on the sidewalk,” he set the scene, voice and eyes distant, “and you think ‘yeah, okay, he’s going to give me mouth-to-mouth’. But instead,” he continued and stretched his hands up in front of his face, “he just starts choking. The  _shit_ out of you,” he pantomimed clenching his hands around someone’s throat, voice darkly mesmerised, “and the last sensation that you feel before you  _die_ ,” his fingers contorted, passion driving the momentum of his speech, “is that choking you out gets him  _so hard_  that you feel him literally come in his pants without even being touched, and it drips through his clothes and onto your body.”

There was a long stretch of silence before Link remarked, disgusted, “Jesus  _Christ.”_

“I  _know_ , right?” Allen moaned and tapped his foot again, let his hands fall back to the desk with a swooning sigh.

“What,” Lavi said finally, “the  _fuck.”_

“I’m hard just thinking about it,” he breathed, and he was pretty sure that was the sound of Link asphyxiating again.

“He hasn’t even done this stupid fucking quiz.”

Ooohh okay so Lavi was the one who’d tried to swallow his own tongue. “I guess we’ll just have to get him in here to do it then,” Allen reasoned like it was obvious. “And you can check his answers and I can go find Fuckhands McMikk.”

 _“Yes,”_  Lavi demanded, wheezing.  _“Please_  go find him, and make him take care of whatever  _that_ is,” he gestured repellently to Allen’s general groin area.

 _“Thoroughly,”_  Allen agreed with a smirk, eyes narrowing at the ceiling.

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” Link gritted, “and I’m going to have to report both of you.”

“What?” Allen demanded, pushing himself to sit up. “What for?”

“For inappropriate use of company time,” Link seethed, pointing at the computer, “inappropriate comments,” he pointed at Lavi, and seemed to hesitate over Allen as though determining just what exactly it was he should be reported for, bar ‘everything’. “And- and inappropriate work ethic,” he settled on and Allen snickered a laugh.

“What,” Lavi responded, grinning, “you’re gonna report the whole office for playing a game?”

“I am,” Link affirmed staunchly, desperate to fill the role of… some kind of manager thing of workplace conduct or. Something. Whatever it was HR was meant to do.

“Even yourself?” Allen pressed, leaning forward with a coy smile. Before Link could stutter out an answer, however, Allen’s eyes had caught someone walking past the open doorway. In a moment he’d swung himself off the desk and poked his head out the door after him, hanging from the doorframe. “Fuckhands McMikk!” he called and Tyki glanced over his shoulder with a questioning sound, expression falling into a smirk when he saw Allen. “Oh my god and you have Kanda with you, perfect,” he remarked, stepping out of the office and catching Tyki’s elbow.

“Perfect?” he asked in that perfect voice of his, equal parts amused and intrigued.

“Oh, no,” Allen corrected, “Kanda’s not coming. Link needs to see you in Lavi’s office, please and thanks,” he spoke around Tyki to Kanda, waving him off. “I need to see  _you,”_ his grip tightened on Tyki’s arm and he tugged him along in the direction of one of the empty conference rooms, “in whatever room is available.”

Tyki laughed and let himself get dragged along, asking, “Why do I have the feeling you’re being chaotic for the hell of it again?”

“Because Link is going to try get me fired again,” Allen answered happily and wrenched open the door to an office, hardly took a moment to make sure it was empty before he dragged Tyki in and snapped it closed behind them. “And I  _definitely_ need to see if you can come just from choking me,” he added and Tyki huffed an amused laugh and rolled his eyes at his own weakness of will before he grabbed Allen by the front of his shirt and shoved him against the door with enough force to make it shudder in its frame.

Tyki dipped his head and Allen’s grinning mouth met his biting lips, the promise, “I’ll see what I can do,” tumbling between them.


End file.
